Saturday, June 21, 2014
this is not a emo post! I just need somewhere someplace to type out things I want to say but might never get the chance to. its been a month since that very day everything happened. it feels just like ytd, the memories are still so vivid in my mind. well all this wouldn't have happened if I didn't do anything stupid. I'm not giving any excuses, I did something really wrong and I hate myself for it. you loved me so much that you were willing to forgive me on that day, but stupidity got the better of me. what did I do? I decided to remain cool although the answer inside me was so clear.. Tried to live with my decision for the past month but ended up failing badly when I knew I couldn't, that was when I got all emotionally and all the shit happened, another few bad actions.. You told me that I wasn't myself and that I looked really pathetic, this is because I did you wrong and I had no rights to lift my head in front of you. pathetic because fear took over, made me fear losing you until the point that everything that was in my mind was the life without you. for the past 2 days I lost myself to sorrow, denial and self-pity. I keep forcing you to do things you do not want to do, I keep intruding to you personal space and I made you feel irritated. I guess in desperation anyone and everyone will try everything. I was at the verge of losing my mind till I suddenly slapped myself and asked myself a question... What the fuck am I doing all this for...? If a miracle happened and you were to come back to me, will I want this 'me' to be the one you see? no I don't think so! There's so many things I want to talk to you about, I didn't treasure your company last time probably because it was becoming habitual.. so habitual till that I failed to see that actually the one who supports me in every aspect of my life was you. you were there through all the major point of my life, all my ups and downs. I took you for granted all this while and you still quietly stayed on with me even though I put you through all those pain. You were always my pillar of support, always looking after me, thinking for me, I just cant believe how blind I was not to see it. well it's too late to cry over spilled milk though.. now to prepare myself for the next time we talk, which probably will be the last time we talk. I don't know if I'm wrong but the look on your face tells me that it is over between us. but till that day comes I'm still holding on to that small little fragments of hope that I have left. A friend once told me that, when you really love someone, your world will only be big enough for her.. Nothing else will seem to matter. I thought I truly understood his statement yet I was wrong. I only realized that I was wrong the day I knew how important you were to me but I was no longer important to you. The irony of life, we never seem to treasure people or things till we actually lose them. I told myself never to do that yet in the end it still happened. In life everyone asks for a time machine, all the things we say and all the things we do, we really wished that we could change them when its too late. I made so many mistakes in my life, have so many regrets, but one thing for sure leaving you will be my biggest regret. why? because within a year together, I knew you were the one, but because of my stupid actions, I lost that chance to be with you for the rest of my life. All my friends were so surprised that we ended our journey together, an ending that have never been planned. Truth to be told, I didn't know that this day will come too. Didn't know what got into me, to leave you alone for a month, to do those mean things to do for a month, you were so lonely and I failed to notice... I really failed as a boyfriend, as your fiancé. All this probably add up to the reasons why you keep avoiding me and finds me irritating. I cant blame you too, if you did that to me I would have probably done a lot worst than what you are doing now. My friends and colleagues keep telling me, "you see lah! you love her so much why still go do this kind of stupid things!?". All I can do is just stare blankly at them and said nothing... Oh well... If anyone asked me for an advice in a relationship, I will tell them if you find you bf/gf irritating or you feel like you all should break up, the fault doesn't lie with the other party but instead it lies with you. Don't expect people to change for you when you can't do the same for them. Being in a relationship isn't about yourself anymore, it's about being selfless, the welfare and happiness of your other half becomes your only motivation and your goal in life. Please don't wait till everything is too late to salvage and regret your decision like how I regretted mine. I just hope for a miracle one day, a miracle that gives you the courage to jump back into our relationship, the courage that you once had for loving me even though you knew I was a player before. Till the day comes, 等待有一天. Last but not least, I love you.
if you'll ever understand.